Emotional Distancing is Sometimes Necessary to Help Your Children
by Pat Baker
The natural inclination is to be as close to our children as possible. Parents spend a good part of their parenting years wondering if they are close enough to their children. The fact is that in order to help our children best we need to be able to detach ourselves a bit on an emotional level in order to be able to be objective. Most of us feel that our children are a reflection on the type of parents and people that we are. There are selfish motivators in not wanting to see our children's warts. It has a lot to do with how it makes us feel about ourselves. It also requires us to take action. So what should we do? We need to follow the rules of a life guard. We have to jump in and save them. We have to grab hold of them, swim with the current and sometimes against it to reach the shore/safety. In some cases we may recognise that they are struggling but that they can make a go of it on their own, so we watch with a discerning eye. The one thing that we can not do is panic with them or let them pull us under or we will drown with them! This requires that we stay calm and put our emotions on the back burner. For as much as our children go through different stages of development and begin to see themselves as separate from us and unique in their own right, parents must learn to do the same. It is so important not to take on board everything unpleasant that is happening to our children or to relive every lesson that they must learn on their own personal journey. If we do, we risk being too emotional which may have a detrimental effect on reaching an optimal outcome for our children. It is important to be able to step back and even distance ourselves so we can sort issues out in a non-emotive way, even if we are trying to protect our children's emotional well being. On face value it may seem that this idea is a contradiction, but it is not. Adults and children alike stop listening when we lose our cool or raise our voice. It is so much better to be calm and rational and open to listen. No relationship or problem is one sided and if it is then move on because it will never work. It will be much easier to realise if you are wasting your time and energy if you are distancing yourself to a degree. We must put our efforts in positive areas that provide our children with opportunity to learn and grow. Pat is the creator of the 'I Can Do It' family planner. She is a mother of four. The program/planner is a fun and interactive family & school management solution which uses tried and trusted practical strategies and tools to teach your children life-skills, as well as social values. I Can Do It! is the only practical, flexible and diverse program that infuses self esteem in your children while teaching responsibility and self-sufficiency on a daily basis .To receive a FREE copy of The 9 Tough Parenting Problems & How To Solve Them report go to http://icandoitlifeskills.com/100.html
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