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CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

5 Ways to Raise Joyful Kids

Raising joyous children is easier than you might think. An "all is right with the world" kind of happiness is deeper and more penetrating than a new toy or a bag of gummy worms. Genuine joy nurtures your children's spirits now and gives them the ability to access that joy for the rest of their lives.

The following 5 tips can help you foster joy in your children's lives:

1. Discover what makes your own spirit sing: Take time to engage in a long walk at the end of the day, a hot soak in the tub, a good novel, knitting by candlelight, laughing with a pal on the telephone - whatever it might be for you. By engaging in self-care, you show your child how everyday joy is spun. You are the mirror for him or her and reflect an adult who knows how to create happiness no matter what is going on in your world. When Mama or Papa is happy everyone's happy.

2. Praise the process not the product: If kids find their joy solely through their parent's approval, they set themselves up for a lifetime of disappointment. Make sure to be authentic with your kids and encourage them to take risks and try new things rather than only praising the outcome of a class, project, race, or game. Love them for who they are, not what they achieve and then watch their authentic joy unfold.

3. Help your children experience the delight in giving: Kids long for connection with others more than another new toy or trip, as hard as that might be to believe. Reach out with kindness as a family and watch the joy bubble back into your lives. What one kind deed might you do today with your child? Bake an extra loaf of banana bread for an elderly neighbor, write a thank you note to the bus driver for always smiling in the mornings, invite the child who is new in town over for a play date?

4. Make time to laugh together: The average family spends far too little time engaged in humor and way too much time engaged in complaining. Leave a book of tasteful jokes lying around the house or tuck a funny cartoon in your child's lunch box. Create a Funny Family Movie Night and watch classic family comedies. Surprise your child and turn an ordinary day into a celebration. Who knows, you might begin a tradition.

5. A healthy body can better express joy: Make sure your child gets enough sleep, eats healthy foods without a lot of sugar and has plenty of opportunities for quiet time, as well as wholesome exercise in their day. Doing so will help regulate moods so joy is a fluid ongoing experience whirling around a balanced mind, body and spirit.

About the Author: Mimi Doe is the founder of www.SpiritualParenting.com and the award winning author of, Busy but Balanced (St. Martin's Press) and 10 Principles for Spiritual Parenting (HarperCollins).

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

4 Tips for Dealing with Back Talk

What to do when your child no longer sounds like an angel.

"Shut up, butthead!" The first time such unsavory words come out of your angelic (or so you thought!) child's mouth, you were probably caught by surprise. You may even have giggled. But as every parent knows, rude behavior and back talk loses its charm fast. How does a child go from being so anxious to please to responding to reasonable requests with an attitude?

"Media is a big influence," says Audrey Ricker, PhD, coauthor of Backtalk: Four Steps to Ending Rude Behavior in Your Kids (Touchstone Books). "Kids imitate what they see on sitcoms and cartoons," she says. "Plus, our culture actually encourages back talk. When it comes from a young child we say he's being assertive, is standing up for himself, is a real individual." That may be true, but no one wants to feel like her child's doormat. And that behavior will not play well in the larger world either. Fortunately, you can get your child to stop talking back, according to Ricker. Here's how:

1. Plan ahead. Decide on a consequence that you will implement if your child talks rudely to you. "You should withdraw something that he enjoys that would normally take place in the next 24 hours," says Ricker. Examples include watching a favorite TV show or going to a friend's house.

2. Respond decisively. When your child speaks rudely, say "That language (or tone) is not acceptable. As a result, I am not going to take you on a play date to Jimmy's house."

3. Follow through with no further discussion. Do not offer a second chance. Do not negotiate. Avoid the word "if" (as in "If you do that again, I'm going to..."). It makes you sound weak instead of decisive and your child will pick up on that. "Parents tend to over-talk. Taking action is much more effective," says Ricker.

4. On a related note, ignore any back talk associated with the consequence. Don't get drawn into explaining or justifying your position. On the other, don't punish your child again if he gives you back talk when you enforce the consequence. Treat it as one incident.

Ricker notes that following through isn't easy. "It's hard to take away something you may have promised that you know your child enjoys. But kids learn fast. After two or three incidents where your child sees you really mean it, the back talk should end."

The information on this Web site is designed for educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting your pediatrician or family doctor. Please consult a doctor with any questions or concerns you might have regarding your or your child's condition.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

5 Simple Steps Guaranteed To Allow You To Spend More Time With Your Children This Summer

Copyright 2005 Dr. Charles Sophy
Keep 'Em Off My Couch
http://drsophy.com

Look around: Your kids are counting sleeps until the last day of school, the local outdoor swimming pool is open, and the temperature has sky-rocketed. Summer is here! Are you still stuck in your winter routine? The one filled with rushing around to after school programs, play dates and endless birthday parties. Do you still feel the pressure of hurrying your kids to catch the school bus and rushing out after them to deliver the lunch that little Amanda forgot on the table? Summer is here! Time to relax!

Summertime is a time to relax some of our daily routines, allowing more flexibility into our lives. The holidays are often a time where we anticipate lots of wonderful family time together to create and share experiences that are timeless. Yet many parents dread some of the practical challenges of getting through the summer. Many people can't afford to totally disengage from the routine of work and adult commitments to spend as much time with their children as they would like. Don't get caught up in the "all or nothing" mindset - even small changes in your daily schedule can go a long way to helping your child feel like the priority in your day.

Creating more time in a busy adult life is easier if you follow these five simple steps:

1. Identify the barriers blocking flexibility in your schedule. Look for areas in your schedule that can be traded off for more time with your children.

2. Address each issue identified above and rate as flexible or inflexible. For example, a weekly team meeting would rank as an inflexible activity whereas an hour at the gym after dinner would rank as flexible.

3. Engage your child in the planning of shared time. Make sure the time you spend together is valuable. Plan activities that you both will enjoy and that allow for parent / child interactions.

4. Be Mindful. Remember, you can't be everything to everybody. Sometimes your commitments as an adult conflict with your commitments as a parent. When conflicts arise, talk to your children to explain the situation and let them know how you feel.

5. Respect. Everyone needs time alone. Remember to respect your and your child's need for "me" time

Let's look at an example:

Julie is a busy solo-entrepreneur running a web design business from home. She has an eleven year-old daughter, Sierra, who is days away from the start of her summer vacation. Julie has signed Sierra up for summer day camps but she also wants to spend more time with her this summer.

She looks at her schedule. Mondays are usually set aside to start new projects or meet with prospects. Tuesdays and Thursdays she goes out to a yoga class after dinner. Wednesday are usually pretty light, with mornings set aside for medical appointments or grocery shopping. Thursdays vary - some weeks busy, others are dedicated to business planning and strategizing for her own business. Fridays are traditionally project end and launch days.

Julie looks for holes in her schedule and finds that some activities can be combined with time with her child. Sierra loves dancing so Julie trades her yoga classes for ballet lessons with Sierra. As she has a fair bit of flexibility with her Wednesday and Thursday schedules, Julie decides to shorten her work week for two months of the year to free up Fridays to spend time with Sierra.

From June 30th to September 1st, Thursday is the project end date. She contacts another freelance web designer to arrange for emergency coverage on Fridays. Julie's clients are notified of the summer hours and of the additional coverage available on Fridays should any emergencies arise.

Mother and daughter sit down and start planning activities for their first long weekend and decide on a trip to the water park. Now mom and daughter are both counting sleeps to the weekend!

Remember: It doesn't take much effort to make small changes in your routine to allow more time with your children. The time that you spend (or don't spend) with your child has lasting effects on their self-esteem and self-worth. Though it may at times be challenging to affect lasting change, it's worth the effort! After all, these are the days that

create lasting memories.

Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000 foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in attendance.

Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the "Keep `Em Off My Couch" blog, provides real simple answers for solving life's biggest problems. He specializes in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit his blog at http://drsophy.com.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

5 WAYS PARENTS CAN HANDLE THEIR ANGER
1. Heal your angry past.

Parenting can be therapeutic. It can show you where your problems are and motivate you to fix them. If your past is loaded with unresolved anger, take steps to heal yourself before you wind up harming your child. Studies have shown that children whose mothers often express anger are more likely to be difficult to discipline.

Identify problems in your past that could contribute to present anger. Were you abused or harshly punished as a child? Do you have difficulty controlling your temper? Do you sense a lack of inner peace? Identify present situations that are making you angry, such as dissatisfaction with job, spouse, self, child. Remember, you mirror your emotions. If your child sees a chronically angry face and hears an angry voice, that's the person he is more likely to become.

2. Keep your perspective.

Every person has an anger button. Some parents are so anger prone that when they explode the family dog hides. Try this exercise. First, divide your children's "misbehaviors" into smallies (nuisances and annoyances) which are not worth the wear and tear of getting angry about, and biggies (hurting self, others, and property) which demand a response, for your own sake and your child's.

Next, condition yourself so that you don't let the smallies bother you. Here are some "tapes" to play in your mind the next time you or your child spills something:

• "I'm angry, but I can control myself."

• "Accidents happen."

• "I'm the adult here."
• "I'm mad at the mess, not the child."
• "I'll keep calm, and we'll all learn something."

Rehearse this exercise over and over by play acting. Add in some lines for you to deliver:

• "oops! I made a mess."
• "I'll grab a towel."
• "It's ok! I'll help you clean it up." You may notice a big contrast between this and what you heard as a child. You may also notice it won't be as easy as it sounds.

When a real-life smallie occurs, you're more conditioned to control yourself. You can take a deep breath, walk away, keep cool, plan your strategy and return to the scene. For example, a child smears paint on the wall. You have conditioned yourself not to explode You're naturally angry and it's helpful for your child to see your displeasure. You go through your brief "no" lecture firmly, but without yelling.

Then you call for a time-out. Once you have calmed down, insist the child (if old enough) help you clean up the mess. Being in control of your anger gives your child the message, "Mommy's angry, and she has a right to be this way. She doesn't like what I did, but she still likes me and thinks I'm capable enough to help clean up after myself."

We find going into a rage is often harder on us than the child. It leaves us feeling drained. Oftentimes, it's our after-anger feeling that bothers us more than the shoe thrown into the toilet. Once we realized that we could control our feelings more easily than our children can control their behavior, we were able to endure these annoying stages of childhood, and life with our kids became much easier.

And when we do get mad at a child, we don't let the anger escalate until we become furious at ourselves for losing control.

THE CIRCLE OF ANGER

• Mad at child
• Mad at self
• More mad at child for causing you to get mad at yourself
• Mad at being mad

You can break this cycle at any point to protect yourself and your child.

3. Make anger your ally.

Emotions serve a purpose. Healthy anger compels you to fix the problem, first because you're not going to let your child's behavior go uncorrected, and second because you don't like how the child's misbehavior bothers you. This is helpful anger. I have always had a low tolerance for babies' screams.

At around age fifteen months our eighth child, Lauren, developed an ear-piercing shriek that sent my blood pressure skyrocketing. Either my tolerance was decreasing or my ears were getting more tender with age, but Lauren's cry pushed my anger button. I didn't like her for it. I didn't like myself for not liking her.

It might have been easier to deal with the problem if I had not been feeling angry. But because I was angry and realized it affected my attitude toward Lauren, I was impelled to do something about her cry, which I believed was an unbecoming behavior that didn't fit into this otherwise delightful little person.

So instead of focusing on how much I hated those sounds, I focused on what situations triggered the shrieks. I tried to anticipate those triggers. I discovered that when Lauren was bored, tired, hungry, or ignored, she shrieked. She is a little person who needs a quick response and the shriek got it for her. My anger motivated me to learn creative shriek-stoppers. I've become a wiser parent. Lauren has become nicer to be around. That's helpful anger.

Anger becomes harmful when you don't regard it as a signal to fix the cause. You let it fester until you dislike your feelings, yourself, and the person who caused you to feel this way. You spend your life in a tiff over smallies that you could have ignored or biggies that you could have fixed. That's harmful anger.

4. Quit beating yourself up.

Often anger flares inwardly, as well as outwardly, over something that you don't like; but upon reflection, after a lot of energy is spent emoting, you actually realize that the situation as it stands now is actually better for everyone concerned. This "hindsight" keeps us humble and helps us diffuse future flare-ups. Our motto concerning irritating mistakes has become: "Nobody's perfect. Human nature strikes again."

5. Beware of high-risk situations that trigger anger.

Are you in a life situation that makes you angry? If so, you are at risk for venting your anger on your child. Losing a job or experiencing a similar self-esteem-breaking event can make you justifiably angry. But realize that this makes it easier for otherwise tolerable childish behaviors (smallies) to push you over the edge.

When you're already angry, smallies easily become biggies. If you are suddenly the victim of an anger-producing situation, it helps to prepare your family: "I want you all to understand that daddy may be upset from to time during the next couple of months. I've just lost my job and I feel very anxious about it. I will find another job, and we'll all be okay, but if I have a short fuse and get angry at you sometimes, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm having trouble liking myself..."

If you do blow your top, it's wise to apologize to your children (and expect similar apologies from them when they lose their tempers): "Pardon me, but I'm angry, and if I don't appear rational or appreciative, it's because I'm struggling—it's not your fault. I'm not mad at you." It also helps to be honest with yourself, recognize your vulnerability and keep your guard up until the anger-causing problem is resolved. There will always be problems in your life that you cannot control.

As you become a more experienced parent—and person—you will come to realize that the only thing in your life that you can control are your own actions. How you handle anger can work for you or against you—and your child.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

7 Little Things That You Can do to Organize the Kids' Rooms

Copyright © 2005, Karen Fritscher-Porter

1. Sink to their level.

Get on your knees in their room to view things from a kid's level. Convenience is an important factor in getting anyone to organize or put things away. Lower clothing racks in the closet. Put most frequently used items on the lowest shelves and in the lowest drawers. Set up decorative, short open bins, crates, baskets and boxes in corners, on closet floors and at the foot of the bed.

2. Hide stuff under the bed.

Use flat, rectangular storage bins on wheels that are made for under-the-bed storage. Designate one of these for Barbie dolls and another for mini toy cars. Store your children's artwork including construction paper and crayons in one of the bins. Older children can store schoolwork and notebooks here. Got music lovers? They can keep a pile of CDs handy here.

3. Make organizing fun.

Organizing can be a drag even for "big people." Imagine how your child feels at the thought of clearing away his toys, clothes and school work. Get your children involved by letting them creatively label their own drawers and bins. They can make personalized drawings as labels. Or you can take photos of your child with an object that goes in the drawer and tape it to the front of the bin or drawer. Is the drawer supposed to hold small toy soldiers? Tape a small clear plastic pocket to the outside of the drawer that's stuffed with an example of the contents such as one toy soldier. You can buy notebook plastic sleeves (also called sheet protectors) from any office supply store. Then just cut them to the size needed. Use clear shipping tape to attach labels to bins. Put a laundry hamper under a kid size basketball hoop.

4. Keep drawers shallow.

The deeper the drawer, the more kids will fill it. With a few exceptions for big bulky items, use shallow drawers. Some narrow storage carts on wheels come with five or six shallow drawers. You can roll the cart into the closet if needed or line several in a row against a wall. Fill deeper drawers with mini-organizers such as small trays, tins, recycled cardboard boxes and more. Don't use lids on the mini-organizers; that's just a hassle for kids to find their items and remember to put the lids back on each item. Use makeshift cardboard dividers to separate things in drawers--like socks.

5. Color code it.

Buy blue bins for Barbie dolls and red bins for fire trucks. Put summer clothing on green hangers and Sunday dress outfits on blue hangers. Or use different colors for different children. Suzy gets blue bins and hangers and Sandy gets red bins and hangers.

6. Hang it.

Your children might view their collection of self-created artwork in much the same way as you view your collection of store-bought artwork. Buy inexpensive frames and hang drawings in a clustered artistic layout on one wall in your child's room. It adds a decorative and personalized element. Put up a cork/bulletin board for the kids to hang ribbons and medals from field days, school spirit events and competitions. Another cork board can be for photos. Or hang a rectangular vertical homemade fabric organizer with pockets beside the door to hold photos, souvenir card collections and birthday cards through the years.

7. Set ground rules.

For example, before you play another board game, you must first put this board game away. Before each gift-giving season, you must pick one item to donate to a nonprofit organization; it brings a smile to the face of a child with less than you. You can only keep things in your room that have a place. So if a drawer is full and you want to keep something new, you must discard something from the drawer (for example, an old piece of artwork for a new piece of artwork or an old broken toy for a new one).

Writer's Resource Box: Nationally published freelance writer Karen Fritscher-Porter writes about home organizing solutions at EasyHomeOrganizing.com. Visit http://www.EasyHomeOrganizing.com to read more than 50 FREE articles containing dozens of home organizing ideas and solutions. Plus subscribe to the FREE newsletter updating you about the latest home organization products sold in stores.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

10 Guidelines For Raising A Well-behaved Child

• Whenever possible, teach rather than punish. The goal of discipline is to teach children acceptable behavior. Hitting children does not teach acceptable behavior. It teaches children that "might makes right" and hitting is a way to solve problems.

• View children's misbehavior as a mistake in judgement. It will be easier to think of ways to teach more acceptable behavior.

• Whenever possible, make consequences relate to misbehavior. If a child makes a mess, he/she should clean it up.

• Have behavior rules but make sure they are few in number, reasonable, and appropriate to the child's age and development.

• Make sure that consequences for misbehavior are reasonable and clear.

• Don't argue or nag children about rules. If a rule is broken, remind the child of the rule and the consequence for not following the rule. When you give a command, speak in a firm voice and repeat the command.

• If your child has many behaviors which concern you, don't try to change all of them at once. Choose one behavior of concern. Explain why the behavior is a problem, provide consequences for misbehavior and praise the behavior opposite of the misbehavior when your child demonstrates it

• Distract infants and toddlers when they are doing something you don't like or remove them from the situation. Infants and toddlers do not understand right and wrong and should not be hit or shaken.

• Use good manners when talking to children about their behavior. Be sure to use "I'm sorry", "May I?" and "Excuse me" when they are appropriate. Be a good model for your children in your speech and actions.

• Catch your child being good! Your praise will increase appropriate behavior. A hug, smile and soft words can also show approval.

SOURCE: Center for Effective Discipline 155 W. Main Street #100-B Columbus, OH 43215 © 1998, Center for Effective Discipline

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG: WITHDRAWING PRIVILEGES

Withdrawing privileges is one of the few behavior shapers you never run out of. Kids will always want something from you. For this correction technique to have a good chance of preventing recurrence of a misbehavior, the child must naturally connect the privilege withdrawal with the behavior: "If you ride your tricycle into the street, you lose the use of your tricycle for the rest of the day."

Your child dawdles and misses the morning carpool, so he walks to school. This correction technique is commonly used in adult law enforcement: You get caught driving drunk and you lose your license. But this doesn't cure your drinking problem. So you see, withdrawing privileges has its limits as a discipline technique. What does withholding television have to do with being home in time for supper, a child may wonder.

Losing privileges can work if it's part of a pre-agreed behavior management strategy decided on during a family meeting. Parents state the behaviors they expect from their children and announce that part of the fun of being a parent is granting privileges to the children so they can have some fun too. But if the children don't hold up their end of the bargain, the parents can not grant those privileges.

So, being home in time for supper gets you the privilege of a half-hour of TV rather than the TV time being an inalienable right of every citizen of the household. As children get older they need to learn a valuable lesson for life: With increasing privileges come increasing responsibilities.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG: HOLDING A FAMILY MEETING

Family meetings are good times to set house rules. You are relaxed and the children are more receptive. Spur-of-the-moment rules ("You're grounded!") made when you are angry are likely to be unfair and unfollowed. Getting together to sort out discipline problems is a valuable way for parents and children to express their concerns. Discipline problems that involve one child should be handled privately, but there are times when all the children get a bit lax in the self-control department and the whole family needs a reminder. Suppose your house is continually a mess.

Call a family meeting and invite suggestions from the children on how to keep the house tidy. Use a chalkboard to make it more businesslike. Write down the problem and propose solutions. Put together a "kids want/parents want" list in order to set goals. To avoid chore wars, we assign each child a room to tidy.

Then we know who is responsible and who to compliment. Formulate house rules for happier living. Arriving at a general consensus is better than voting, which has winners and losers. Try a suggestion box and have the children write their suggestions on little cards. You'll learn a lot about your living habits that way. I got a suggestion from my teenage daughter: "Daddy, please ask me to help instead of giving orders."

You can use family councils to help a child solve a problem. Develop a share-and-care atmosphere. Make the meeting fun. Besides your living room, try other meeting places, such as a family picnic at the park. Meetings shape family behavior and are a forum in which to foster family communication.

CHILD & PARENTING BLOG:

CHILD Reward charts.

Charts are a helpful way to motivate young children. They see their progress and participate in the daily steps toward the reward. The chart stands out as a testimony of good behavior for all to see. Charts work because they are interactive and fun. Even the business world uses charts as profit motivators.

Throughout life many children will be surrounded by performance charts, so they may as well get used to seeing them in their home. When nothing else seems to be working, behavior charts help a child get over the hump of extinguishing an undesirable behavior.

As you weed out undesirable behaviors one by one, your child gradually gets used to the feelings that come with good behavior, and these feelings become self-motivating. The need for charting lessens as your child grows, and you will need to find new clutter for your kitchen wall. In making reward charts, consider these tips:



• Follow the basic rule: KISMIF – Keep it simple, make it fun. • Work with your child. Let your child help construct the chart and make daily entries

. • Construct the chart so that the child has a visual image of closing in on the reward. We have gotten best results from a "connect the dots" chart. Have the child draw a picture of what she wants. Then outline the periphery of the picture with dots several inches apart. With each day of successful behavior (e.g., each time he remembers to take out the trash) the child connects another dot. When all the dots are connected, the child collects the prize.

• Display the chart in a high visibility location. (We strategically place ours on the wall along the path between the kitchen table and the refrigerator.) Giving the chart a high profile and high visibility gives the child easy access, serves as a frequent reminder of the desired behavior, and lets her proudly exhibit her progress.

• Make the chart interactive: connecting dots, pasting on stickers or different colored stars, anything more interesting than a check mark.

• Charts can contain positive and negative entries, reminders of both types of behaviors. In my office we use daily charts to correct bedwetting in children older than five. The child puts a happy face sticker on the chart every morning he wakes up dry and a sad face sticker on the chart on mornings he wakes up wet. If the happy faces outnumber the sad faces at the end of the week, the child gets to choose where he wants to go for lunch on Saturday.

• Keep the time until the prize is collected short. Frequent, simple rewards keep motivation high. For a toddler, use end-of-the-hour rewards; for the preschooler, end-of-the-day rewards; for the school-age child, end-of-the- week rewards. A month is an unreachable eternity for any child. For the preschool child, rather than set a calendar time, refer to an event such as "dinner time" or "after Sunday school." Novelty wears off quickly for children. Change charts frequently.

Shortly before I met Mr. Shoaff, I was lounging at home one day when I heard a knock at the door. It was a timid, hesitant knock. When I opened the door I looked down to see a pair of big brown eyes staring up at me. There stood a frail little girl of about ten. She told me, with all the courage and determination her little heart could muster, that she was selling Girl Scout cookies. It was a masterful presentation -- several flavors, a special deal, and only two dollars per box. How could anyone refuse? Finally, with a big smile and ever-so politely, she asked me to buy. And I wanted to. Oh, how I wanted to!

Except for one thing. I didn't have two dollars! Boy, was I embarrassed! Here I was -- a father, had been to college, was gainfully employed -- and yet I didn't have two dollars to my name.

Naturally I couldn't tell this to the little girl with the big brown eyes. So I did the next best thing. I lied to her. I said, "Thanks, but I've already bought Girl Scout cookies this year. And I've still got plenty stacked in the house."

Now that simply wasn't true. But it was the only thing I could think of to get me off the hook. And it did. The little girl said, "That's okay, sir. Thank you very much." And with that she turned around and went on her way.

I stared after her for what seemed like a very long time. Finally, I closed the door behind me and, leaning my back to it, cried out, "I don't want to live like this anymore. I've had it with being broke, and I've had it with lying. I'll never be embarrassed again by not having any money in my pocket." That day I promised myself to earn enough to always have several hundred dollars in my pocket at all times.

This is what I mean by a nitty-gritty reason. It may not win me any prize for greatness, but it was enough to have a permanent effect on the rest of my life.

My Girl-Scout-cookie story does have a happy ending. Several years later, as I was walking out of my bank where I had just made a hefty deposit and was crossing the street to get into my car, I saw two little girls who were selling candy for some girls' organization. One of them approached me, saying, "Mister, would you like to buy some candy?"

"I probably would," I said playfully. "What kind of candy do you have?"

"It's almond roca."

"Almond roca. That's my favorite. How much is it?"

"It's only two dollars."

Two dollars. It couldn't be! I was excited. "How many boxes of candy have you got?"

"I've got five."

Looking at her friend, I said, "And how many boxes do you have left?"

"I've got four."

"That's nine. Okay, I'll take them all."

At this, both girls' mouths fell open as they exclaimed in unison, "Really?"

"Sure," I said. "I've got some friends that I'll pass some around to."

Excitedly, they scurried to stack all the boxes together. I reached into my pocket and gave them eighteen dollars. As I was about to leave, the boxes tucked under my arm, one of the girls looked up and said, "Mister, you're really something!" How about that! Can you imagine spending only eighteen dollars and having someone look you in the face and say, "You're really something!"

Now you know why I always carry a few hundred dollars on me. I'm not about to miss chances like that ever again.

And to think it all resulted from my own embarrassment, that when properly channeled, acted as a powerful motivator to help me achieve.

How about you? What nitty-gritty reasons do you have waiting to challenging and provoke you into change for the better? Look for them, they are there. Sometimes it can be as simple as a brown-eyed girl selling Girl Scout cookies.

To Your Success, Jim Rohn

One of the amazing things we have been given as humans is the unquenchable desire to have dreams of a better life, and the ability to establish goals to live out those dreams. Think of it: We can look deep within our hearts and dream of a better situation for ourselves and our families; dream of better financial lives and better emotional or physical lives; certainly dream of better spiritual lives.

But what makes this even more powerful is that we have also been given the ability to not only dream but to pursue those dreams and not only to pursue them, but the cognitive ability to actually lay out a plan and strategies (setting goals) to achieve those dreams. Powerful! And that is what we will discuss in detail this week: How to dream dreams and establish goals to get those dreams.

What are your dreams and goals? This isn't what you already have or what you have done, but what you want. Have you ever really sat down and thought through your life values and decided what you really want? Have you ever taken the time to truly reflect, to listen quietly to your heart, to see what dreams live within you? Your dreams are there. Everyone has them. They may live right on the surface, or they may be buried deep from years of others telling you they were foolish, but they are there.

So how do we know what our dreams are? This is an interesting process and it relates primarily to the art of listening. This is not listening to others; it is listening to yourself. If we listen to others, we hear their plans and dreams (and many will try to put their plans and dreams on us). If we listen to others, we can never be fulfilled. We will only chase elusive dreams that are not rooted deep within us. No, we must listen to our own hearts.

Let's take a look at some practical steps/thoughts on hearing from our hearts on what our dreams are:

Take time to be quiet. This is something that we don't do enough in this busy world of ours. We rush, rush, rush, and we are constantly listening to noise all around us. The human heart was meant for times of quiet, to peer deep within. It is when we do this that our hearts are set free to soar and take flight on the wings of our own dreams! Schedule some quiet "dream time" this week. No other people. No cell phone. No computer. Just you, a pad, a pen, and your thoughts (you get to do this in the workbook exercises this week).

Think about what really thrills you. When you are quiet, think about those things that really get your blood moving. What would you LOVE to do, either for fun or for a living? What would you love to accomplish? What would you try if you were guaranteed to succeed? What big thoughts move your heart into a state of excitement and joy? When you answer these questions you will feel Great and you will be in the "dream zone." It is only when we get to this point that we experience what Our dreams are!

Write down all of your dreams as you have them. Don't think of any as too outlandish or foolish - remember, you're dreaming! Let the thoughts fly and take careful record.

Now, prioritize those dreams. Which are most important? Which are most feasible? Which would you love to do the most? Put them in the order in which you will actually try to attain them. Remember, we are always moving toward action, not just dreaming.

Here is the big picture: Life is too short to not pursue your dreams. Someday your life will near its end and all you will be able to do is look backwards. You can reflect with joy or regret. Those who dream, who set goals and act on them to live out their dreams are those who live lives of joy and have a sense of peace when they near the end of their lives. They have finished well, for themselves and for their families.

Remember: These are the dreams and goals that are born out of your heart and mind. These are the goals that are unique to you and come from who you were created to be and gifted to become. Your specific goals are what you want to attain because they are what will make your life joyful and bring your family's life into congruence with what you want it to be.

Until next week, let's do something remarkable!

self help Contributors article Self Help Happiness at work, on the job article: Single Savers

“I would like to see some information geared to single households and some suggestions on how to deflect some of the nasty comments about being "selfish." I'm usually the one that gets to stay at work late because I "don't have a husband or children to go home to."

I have worked full time my whole life and would like to take some time (before retirement) to relax, pursue my interests, exercise and live life. I am a different person when not overscheduled and stressed.

Please can you help by soliciting suggestions from other single readers regarding saving, cutting expenses, and lifestyle? “ --- Margaret

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Start Taking Classes

A number of years ago, I was the one who always worked late and had to go in on days off to finish up jobs. When a community college opened near my home, I enrolled in several courses, one at a time.

I had a legitimate reason (not excuse) to leave on time to get to class two evenings each week. I chose subjects I wanted to know more about. The classes were very inexpensive and most lasted six to eight weeks. You can also audit classes for free or inexpensively, again in subjects that interest you.

I was having so much fun doing this that my boss and his family joined in some classes, and we all took "Line Dancing" together. Just tell them that you have to be at college immediately after work.

Not everyone has to know you are taking a course on Travel, Foreign Language, or Small Engine Repair. -- Bettie

Talk to Your Boss

You may not have kids or a husband, but you still have things to do at home. Tell the boss that you have commitments in life that are outside the office and need the workload to be distributed evenly.

He or she needs to change the work pattern in your office, not you. It is time that the others do some of the extra workload. If they complain that "you are being selfish," I would say it is not selfish to want time outside the office.

Then drop the subject. They have no right to ask you to do more than your fair share. My best friend was a single mother who worked 40 plus hours every week plus had her boys in Scouts, plays, baseball and more. If she could do it for over 20 years, then they can as well. -- Csinbad

Your RECREATION activities are what charge your batteries when you take time off to do the things you really enjoy.

When did you last have fun? Have you developed a Hobby that you truly love, that allows your creative energy to flow and makes you feel happy every minute that you are engrossed in it?

How was your last Holiday? These self help suggestions will help to get the ideas flowing for more fun in your time off.

Tips For Singles On Celebrating The New Year By Toni Coleman

It's four weeks away and you don't have any plans. Many of your friends will be away or out with their significant others. You can't believe it's been a whole year and you are facing another dateless New Years Eve. What can you do?

If the above sounds familiar, it may be time for some quiet reflection that allows you to really think about what this holiday means to you and how you want to observe it. You may have more options available to you than you realize, especially if you feel stuck on that one idea of going out with a date and "celebrating". If you tap into your creativity, you can design an evening that works for you and helps you to begin the New Year on the right note.

The following is a general list of possibilities that you can add to:

* Plan an evening out with friends. You can go to dinner, a movie, a club or theatre or a combination of these.

* Plan an evening in with friends. Have a pot luck meal, rent a few movies, splurge of some great desserts and just enjoy each other's company.

* Plan an evening out alone. Go to a favorite restaurant for a quiet meal, catch a movie, go hear a band or visit your favorite pub where you may be able to connect with some people you know.

* Plan a nice evening home alone. You can either cook or order take out from your favorite restaurant, rent a favorite movie, splurge on a special dessert or all of the above. Perhaps you would rather have a light meal followed by a long soak in the tub or a few hours in your favorite cozy spot, reading a good book.

* Start a quiet celebration early on the 31st. Treat yourself to a massage, manicure, facial, work-out with a personal trainer, time in the steam room or sauna- to name a few possibilities.

Then you can follow this up with one of the above for your evening. If you end up home alone, you will have had a day of pleasant self-indulgence that will leave you rested, relaxed and ready for a good night's sleep.

If you choose a night alone on New Year's Eve you may want to have a special plan for New Year's Day. Some possibilities?

* Check with friends about parties that may be going on at the home of an acquaintance or hosted in a local restaurant or pub.

* If the weather is nice, consider doing something outdoors. Many areas of the country have ski areas within a two-hour drive that offer a whole range of outdoor activities. You can invite along a friend (s) or go solo, depending upon who is available. Hiking, biking, ice-skating or any snow related activities (depending upon the area you live in) are perfect at this time of year.

It's also a great way to begin the year's resolution of getting (staying) in shape and leading a healthier lifestyle. After an outdoor workout, hot chocolate and a meal of comfort food by a warm fire really hits the spot.

* If you are not into planning/participating in something out, consider a project at home. Many of us have unfinished organizing, paperwork and decorating tasks that we would love to get handled and off our to-do lists.

How great it would feel to tackle some of this and bask in that feeling of accomplishment afterwards.

This does not have to be a day of drudgery. Have music or a movie playing in the background. Take time out for a nice brunch, lunch or dinner. An early dinner with a friend would be a nice way to wrap up it all up.

Whatever you decide to do with this holiday, keep in mind it's significance of a new beginning. What a great time to start fresh and set those goals that will lead to the life changes you desire. Taking action will make a difference. The choice is up to you. Have a restful, pleasant and productive New Year. Happy Holidays!

Toni Coleman is a psychotherapist and relationship coach who specializes in working with singles who are trying to create healthy, lasting relationships. Her coaching also focuses on helping people to achieve happiness and a greater level of fulfillment in their present, single life.

Toni has over 20 years of experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She has authored articles related to meeting, dating, communicating, single life and healing from relationship loss.

Many of these can be found on over thirty relationship oriented web sites. Toni designed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships class, which is a tele-workshop that teaches singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. Her free email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly. http://www.consum-mate.com

Needless to say, I saw many levels of competence and talent as the nine students gave their 10 minute ‘commencement speeches’ before an audience of perhaps 250, mostly friends and family.

Some, obviously, would never make it to prime time. Others have a good chance, given determination and patience. But, what’s striking is that they all got up on the stage and did their acts.

I know it takes courage to stand up on a stage and deliver a conventional speech, and it must take even more to deliver a comedy monologue, especially for the first time.

If you’ve itched to take the stage, but fear holds you back, perhaps their example will give you the extra push you need to take the plunge. The good news is that you can overcome that fear. And you overcome it with two things: knowledge and practice.

Knowledge refers to the strategies, tactics, and techniques used by speakers, and involves learning about the many, diverse elements that go into a speech or presentation.

In a properly-managed learning process you work with the elements individually. In one speech you’ll focus on the way you stand, in another you’ll focus on what you’re doing with your hands, and so on.

With practice, each element becomes more natural and eventually you’ll master and incorporate them all into your speeches - without even thinking about them.

Personally, my big challenge was eye contact. With a background in radio, I had lots of experience with speaking to others, speaking to literally thousands of people at a time. But, put me in a room with a dozen people looking back and I felt that gut-wrenching chill that novice speakers know so well. After a few speeches, though, I was over it. I had enough knowledge of the mechanics of speaking to get over my fear.

That takes us to the matter of practice. The only way you’ll learn to use your newfound knowledge is through practice - standing in front of an audience and using what you’ve learned.

The elements only become natural and automatic through practice. And here’s a bonus: you also become increasingly familiar with what happens in the audience as you speak. That allows you to adjust your content or presentation on the fly, to get the results you want.

For me, the path to enjoyable public speaking - and I now love it - came through Toastmasters. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a non-profit organization, made up of local clubs, where aspiring speakers learn from each other. I strongly recommend it. And, hey! If you go on to do a comedy act in front of a crowd one day, maybe I’ll be cheering for you.

Think about this dating tip every day & witness the miracles that can come into your life. Below is a single’s thankful list, try & live an attitude of gratitude…

•Be thankful for everyone in your life, everyone is a teacher.

•Be thankful for the lessons you have learned from past relationships & learn from them now.

•Ring a relation to tell them you love them.

•Include the un-included.

•Write a note of thanks to someone.

•Be thankful for the “little” things in life.

•Drop all criticisms & be thankful to yourself.

•Be thankful you have an opportunity to start a relationship with someone new.

•Be thankful you are not in a negative relationship. It is much better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.

•Think about all the good you have learnt about yourself since you have been single. In short, be thankful in all that you are doing. Just remember the greatest risk in life is not to take any risk at all!! .

http://www.datingmagic.net offers dating tips for men to find single women. Andrew Clacy is a freelance writer. A single Dad with 2 boys, he believes in getting out. He has studied extensively on romance & human emotions, and he is constantly researching relationships and romance. Exploring ways to add romance to electronic communication is also another pursuit he enjoys.

Everyone dreams of a more exciting life or a life that is different to the one they are living now.

As you dream about your other life, you know the one, where you’re slimmer or fatter or the one where you meet your perfect partner and live happily ever after or you have a million dollars or you pass the exam and go to the top of the class, the dreams go on and on and we all have them.

Dreaming alone however will not give you that other life because you need to do far more than just dream, dreaming is only the first step in making things happen.

To turn your dreams into reality the next step is to write your dreams down and prioritise them, then plan what is your very next step or to put it another way, what action do you need to take right now to start making that dream a reality.

Well, what are you waiting for, you have a dream, you have written it down and you know what is the very first step you must now take, so go ahead, take that first step, you’ll feel better for just having started.

You’re now on your way to achieving your dream, take a bow, pat yourself on the back and then move on and take the next step and then the next.

Before you know it, your steps go from a slow walk to a jog and then to a full sprint to the finish line of achieving whatever it is that started out as your dream.

Sound easy, well it’s not but you must make a start, have the passion and desire for achieving your dreams, decide to work hard at making your dreams become a reality, decide to do whatever it takes and start stepping your way to success NOW!

Garry Munro is a successful consultant, speaker & coach in the area of self-development.

Based in Sydney Australia he runs his own business "Minds Alike" and works with small business owners and individuals assisting them to set & achieve their goals.

Visit his blog site at http://www.mindsalike.blogspot.com for more articles on success, business and self motivation.