Self Help Tips for Living With A Blended Family

A blended family is a new, yet not so new concept of parenting. It actually involves two families blended together because of two different parents, each with their own set of children, decided to tie the knot and create a new family of their own.

Typically, this happens a lot because of divorce or a death of a spouse. Whatever the reason, parents will feel the need to move on and create a new life for themselves and their children that they foresee as equal to the happy lives they had before, or better than the miserable conditions they had to put up with.

The Truth Behind Blended Families

Sadly, blended families rarely get along with each other immediately. It takes time for all members to get used to the presence of each and every single one in the household. Couples with children in joint custody especially find it a lot more difficult to bond as periods of absence can eliminate whatever link that has been formed over the time spent together.

At most, it takes about 5 to 7 years for a blended family to consider itself to be a whole and not just part of a previous family that was forced to go on separate ways. The Brady Bunch story is just that: a story. Do not expect that your blended family will get a long perfectly just like them.

Children of another parent will not necessarily bend to the will of another adult that they perceive as someone who was the cause of their family getting separated, directly or otherwise. Because of this, children will usually only recognize the authority of their respective biological parents. Power struggles will definitely arise between children and parents as well.

Each parent has their own parenting styles. This means that your partner’s mode of disciplining and controlling children cannot be the same as yours. Brenda makes sure that her child Clarice will follow the house rules regarding cleaning and curfew.

On the other hand, Jim thinks that his daughter Eunice is old enough to know better and does not scold or reprimand her when her view of maintaining her room is to have clothes lying around and curfew is around 12am. This would definitely cause some strain between the two parents, and some resentment between the two children as they feel that one is being given extra privilege that they feel the other one should (or should not) get.

Going Around The Hurdles

Once you have decided to tie the knot, it is better to have the time to learn about each family’s family dynamics. One parent can come over for a visit and just observe how the other parent handles their respective children. Since this is just a visit to observe, no intervention is necessary. Make a mental note on what parenting style is applicable for you and what is not. Once both of you have had a glimpse of how the other family is doing, sit down and brainstorm.

Discuss why one parenting style is not appropriate, and why the other is good. Remember that this is not an avenue to judge the other as a bad parent. This is to make sure that both of you will be willing to compromise on what parenting style must be amended and what should be retained. Have an agreement that all parenting and household rules are applicable to all children and with no preference to bloodlines.

Lisa always resented the fact that James only scolds her son while he lets his own get away with almost anything. Take into mind that the mentioned situation is a perfect avenue for another divorce. If a decision has to be done regarding a discipline issue, make sure that both of you agree wholeheartedly before enforcing the rule.

Take the time to get to know each other. Spend some time together, in the same house, daily, even if it is just for a couple of hours. If the situation is strained, don’t try too hard. Let it go and try again the next day. The purpose is for you to get used to the presence of another person that you do not know and have an idea on how to co-exist without being on each other’s hair all the time.

In your desire to mingle, however, do not neglect having the time alone with your own children. Jason still maintains the ritual with Ted and Ross to go to the park and play ball. Tracy, on the other hand, takes her children Samantha and Chris to a movie. At the end of the day, the two families can exchange stories about their respective outings. Eventually, the invite to come and join will be from the children themselves. That will make the presence of the other family much more acceptable during “family” time.

Consider the children’s age before you try to bring them into your circle, or introduce yourself to theirs. Young children are more adaptable, in comparison to children of 10 years above. Older children need to have their own space, and can be quite sensitive to what the new parent would do and say.

Teenagers can be quite tough to deal with as they are struggling to find more about themselves and establish their identity. As with younger children, they would be equally reserved and sensitive over the other parent. Amidst their rebellion, though, they also need to feel accepted, loved, and have the security to know that this family will work, even if the previous one failed.

Personalities also play a role in helping children cope with the changes and accept you as their second parent. Introverted or reserved children would appreciate it if you don’t constantly push them to interact with you. Extroverted children are easily interested in what you may do to make them see you as part of a family.

Time is your weapon in establishing your blended family together. You and your partner must do each other’s part to make sure that your children will be accepting and cooperative. Forging a bond in a blended family needs double the effort and double the patience to make it work. Never belittle the children’s part in the process because they are the prime determinants and not just a side observer.

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