“Kids Jokes”
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The man gets out of his car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field.”

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“I can’t find the cause of your illness,” said the doctor, “But, I think it may be due to drinking,” “In that case, replied the Blonde, “I shall come back when you are sober.”

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Woman in crowd at a political rally where Sir Winston Churchill is speaking “You mongrel Churchill, if you were my husband I’d put rat poison in your tea.”
Churchill replies “And if you were my wife, Ma’am, I’d drink it!”

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Three blondes are stuck on a deserted island, when one of them finds a lamp on the beach. She picks it up and gives it a little rub and a Genie pops out.

The Genie looks at the three Blondes and says “I normally give three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish”

Well the first one is tired of being on the island, so she wishes to go back home. POOF! She disappears.

The second one said she too is tired of the island, and wishes to go home. POOF! She also disappears.

The genie then turns to the last Blonde and asks her what her wish is. “Gee,” she says, “I’m awfully lonely here by myself. I wish my friends were still here”

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I rang up my local swimming baths. I said “Is that the local swimming baths?”
The man said, “It depends on where you’re calling from.”

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Two cannibals are eating their dinner and one cannibal says to the other, “I don’t like my mother-in-law much.” The other cannibal replies, “Well, just eat your chips then.”

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My Daughter told me she needed a calculator for her maths homework. I handed her one, then asked, "What would you do if you had no calculator and had to work it out in your head?"
"That's cheating, Mummy," she said. "We're not supposed to USE OUR HEADS."

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Lil Johnnie

Little Johnie hadn't spoken a word in all his six years of life. Finally, one morning at breakfast he cried out, 'Mum, the toast's burnt!'

His amazed mother hugged him joyfully and asked, 'Johnny, why haven't you spoken before?'
“Well,” he replied “everything’s been all right up till now.”

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Where Do I Come From?

'Where did I come from, Mum?' asked a six year old. Mum had been dreading the question but decided against euphemism.
She gave the little boy a very frank, candid description beginning with the sex act and concluding with the dramas of the delivery room. She then awaited his reaction.
I just wondered,' said the child. 'The boy who sits in front of me comes from New Zealand.'

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were stuck on an island for many, many years until one day they found a magic lamp.
They rubbed it hard and out popped a genie. He said that he could only give three wishes so since there were three girls, each would get one wish.
The redhead went first. ''I hate it here. It is too hot and boring. I want to go home!'' ''Okay,'' replied the genie. And off she went.
Then the brunette went. ''I miss my family, my friends and relatives. I want to go home, too!!'' And off she went.
The blonde started crying and said, ''I wish my friends were back here!''

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named “Rolex” and one was named “Timex”. Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat.

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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A helicopter with staff from an oil rig had problems and crashed (safely) into the local lake. Struggling to get out, one may tore off his seat belt, inflated his life vest and jerked open the exit door.

"Don't jump!" the pilot yelled. "The helicopter is supposed to float!"
As the man leapt into the lake, he yelled back, "Yes, and it's supposed to FLY too!"

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Get your free family friendly Jokes Book from http://personal-enterprise-self-help-resources.com for a great selection of free self help books, Daily Inspirational Quotes and your Joke Book

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