“How To Say No To Middle School”
Free toddlers activity & kids learning guide parenting article about Saying "No" to Your Middle School/High School Age Children

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by Dr. Maryann Rosenthal

Parents who establish rules of behavior have better relationships with their adolescents and teens – and a significantly lower incidence of smoking, drinking, and using illegal drugs. Specifically, how can you give intelligent direction?

Well, for starters, there's no way around it: You've got to get involved. Spend time with your teens. Ask questions. Listen to the answers. Observe. Then come up with some rules.

You don't want to treat them like tiny children. But you do want to make it clear that you're still in charge. Don't unconditionally approve or accept everything your teen does. Remind them—and yourself—that saying "no" can be an act of love.

Here are some ideas to govern rule making:

Don’t be lured into debating the rule. Just state your rationale; it's important to always give a reason. Don't yell to get your point across. If you do lose your temper, apologize later on after you've calmed down. You don't have to apologize for how you feel, just for blowing up.

Then say what the rule will be. Ask for the teen's reaction, of course. The idea is to enforce the rules while keeping the lines of communication open.

Accept feedback. Take into account your child’s perspective.

Resist the idea of arguing the pros and cons. "My job as a parent is to make sure you have a wonderful childhood, but it's more important that you become the wonderful, competent adult that I know you'll be."

Take punishment, for instance. If the teen comes home at 11:45 p.m. when he or she was supposed to be home by 10, don't just drop it.

Follow through with the punishment, whatever it is. You'll be sending the message that there are boundaries, we do need to follow them, and bad outcomes occur when we don't. The punishment doesn't need to be harsh, but it needs to be prompt and clearly stated.

Most kids have, we believe, a sense of fairness. They may not praise you for putting restrictions on them. But at some level, they acknowledge the rightness of reasonable rules—especially if you leave open the possibility of phasing out the rules as your child proves his or her maturity and judgment.

Dr. Maryann Rosenthal is a national authority on family dynamics and life achievement issues. A highly-regarded clinical psychologist, she is a much sought-after keynote speaker and seminar leader on how to instill self-discipline and self-leadership skills in adults, adolescents, and young children.

Maryann is a champion for women, children and the elderly. She is a member of the Domestic Violence Council and a founding member of the Elder Abuse Prevention Project. Dr. Maryann is a member of the American Psychological Association and the Association of Christian Therapists. She is the mother of seven children and five grandchildren.

This article was excerpted from Dr. Denis Waitley and Dr. Maryann Rosenthal's newest release, The Seeds of Greatness - The Value-based, Family Enrichment System for the 21st Century to learn more scroll down to #5 below or go to http://parenting.jimrohn.com or call 800-929-0434.

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