“Controlling Parental Anger”
Free toddlers activity & Parent Child Development guide parenting article Keeping Your Cool

Techniques for keeping your cool by Jan Faull

Listen to Bill: "I work all day. I'm competent in my business and effective with my clients and co-workers. But 15 minutes with Anna, my three-year-old, and I'm reduced to a raving maniac.

Every evening when I come home, I just want to read the newspaper, but she's ready for a raucous game of hide-and-seek. I ask her nicely to just sit on the sofa and look at some books, and she refuses. All of a sudden a switch goes off, and I'm screaming at her and stomping around the house."

ANGER DOESN'T WORK
Clearly, uncontrollable parental outbursts seldom improve children's behavior. But don't you secretly wish they would? Wouldn't parenting be easier if you could yell at your child, "Get dressed right now, young man. Stop dilly-dallying. You're going to make me late for work again today," and your son would jump into his clothes and then climb into the car, waiting patiently while you put on your makeup and make one quick phone call?

You might think a child would comply with anger-injected demands to avoid the unpleasantness of these scenes, but that usually isn't the case. Some children become immune to your anger; they just kind of slough it off. For others, anger has a contagious effect; children fight back with an angry defensive response of their own.

Parents need to find effective, realistic ways to deal with anger. Read on for some successful temper-curbing techniques.

Jan Faull, a child-development and behavior specialist, is in her 25th year as a parent-education instructor and public speaker. She is the author of the recently published UNPLUGGING POWER STRUGGLES as well as MOMMY! I HAVE TO GO POTTY!, a guide to toilet training. Faull lives with her husband and three children in Renton, Washington.

Calm-Down Strategies

Here are some tested strategies to smooth out those turbulent parenting waters that get the best of every mom and dad from time to time.

OFFER A CHOICE Your child has a friend over to play. You hear name-calling. "You're stupid." "You're a geek." "Well, you're a nerd." Instead of yelling an angry demand-- "Just stop that right now!"--offer a choice: "I hear name-calling. You have a choice: The name-calling must stop, or your friend needs to go home." If you hear name-calling again, send the friend home with an apology and the hope of a better playtime together tomorrow.

EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS Exhausted from a long day at work, you walk in the door to the irritating sounds of your children bickering. "He ruined my pen." "I didn't mean to; it's just a cheap ol' pen anyway." "It's my favorite pen. I hate having a little brother." Instead of blaming them--"You kids are making me so mad! I don't work all day to come home to this bickering."--express your feelings: "I'm crabby. I've had a terrible day. When I hear bickering, I get crabbier. Get a snack. I'm taking a bath."

ACCEPT YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS You hear your daughter insulting her stepsister who is visiting for the weekend. Instead of labeling her with an angry edge to your voice--"You're just rude and jealous"--accept your child's feelings: "I understand it's difficult to share your dad when your stepsister comes for the weekend, but I can't allow you to be rude." If the rudeness continues, send her to her bedroom for some quiet time.

STATE A RULE Your children's disagreement comes to blows. Instead of screaming an angry threat--"That hitting must stop or we won't go to the movie!"--state a rule: "Hitting is not allowed. Sarah, you need to empty the dishwasher; Cameron, make your bed. We'll discuss the movie selection when your chores are done and you've calmed down."

ASSERT YOUR VALUES Your child is attempting homework in front of the TV. Instead of nagging--"Do your homework," "Do your homework or you won't get good grades," "You'd better do your homework or you won't get into college"--assert your values: "Homework is more important than TV. The TV goes off until homework is done."

Finding the Balance

Even though anger is not the emotion you want pervading your household, it's unrealistic to think you can always remain a calm and clever "Brady Bunch" kind of mom or dad. So on the one hand you can't suppress your anger so much that you're like a smoldering volcano that'll eventually blow, but on the other hand you can't allow your fury to run unchecked.

HOW DO YOU STRIKE THAT BALANCE?•First, realize you'll always respond more effectively if you notice when those feelings of anger are beginning to well up, when they're still at a low level of intensity.•Second, when your anger starts to build, stop, count to 10, and take some deep breaths. •Then, move slowly toward your child and get on her level; sit on the floor near your toddler or preschooler; sit on the sofa next to your older child.

NOW, WHAT DO YOU SAY?•First, tell her how you feel: "I'm starting to get angry."•Second, precisely describe the situation that's provoking your anger: "I see LEGOs scattered on the floor."•Then, explain what you want done about it, and put a time limit on it: "Dinner will be in 10 minutes. I expect them to be cleaned up before we eat. I'll set the timer."

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION No doubt children's naughty behavior provokes parents' anger. Learning new responses takes work, and change comes slowly (see Calm-Down Strategies). If you succeed once a week to use your anger productively to improve children's behavior, pat yourself on the back. Give yourself credit for small successes.

When to Get Help

If you're unleashing anger at your children because they've taken away your freedom, are depleting your finances and are draining your energy--no fair. Now is the time to seek professional assistance to manage your own internal struggles.

WORKING THROUGH THE PROBLEMIn the case of Bill and daughter Anna, Bill needed to explore what he wanted to occur each evening and then find a constructive way to make it happen. With the help of a counselor, he worked through the problem. He identified his need for some peace and quiet when he arrived home from work, but realized that Anna needed him, too.

He resolved to give Anna his first five minutes once in the door, reading her a book. Miraculously, this little bit of attention did the trick, and it freed Bill to read the newspaper in relative peace.

Anger withers intimacy and keeps children at an emotional distance. It can take over your home and destroy the parent-child relationship. Also, through modeling, your children learn to express anger as you do.

ESTABLISHING EQUILIBRIUMWhen your anger does get the best of you, do something to bring yourself back to your emotional equilibrium: Turn on some music, take a nap, go for a walk, call a friend. Then, to restabilize your relationship with your child, spend some time together in a mutually enjoyable activity.

Seek love, interest and joy as the overriding feelings expressed in your home. And when those overwhelming feelings of anger do well up, if you can't think of anything else to do or say, take a deep breath, shift into low gear and focus away from your child. You'll like yourself better in the morning.

Calm-Down Strategies

Here are some tested strategies to smooth out those turbulent parenting waters that get the best of every mom and dad from time to time.

OFFER A CHOICE Your child has a friend over to play. You hear name-calling. "You're stupid." "You're a geek." "Well, you're a nerd." Instead of yelling an angry demand--"Just stop that right now!"--offer a choice: "I hear name-calling. You have a choice. Either the name-calling must stop, or your friend needs to go home." If you hear name-calling again, send the friend home with an apology and the hope of a better playtime together tomorrow.

EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS Exhausted from a long day at work, you walk in the door to the irritating sounds of your children bickering. "He ruined my pen." "I didn't mean to; it's just a cheap ol' pen anyway." "It's my favorite pen. I hate having a little brother." Instead of blaming them--"You kids are making me so mad! I don't work all day to come home to this bickering."--express your feelings: "I'm crabby. I've had a terrible day. When I hear bickering, I get crabbier. Get a snack. I'm taking a bath."

ACCEPT YOUR CHILD'S FEELINGS You hear your daughter insulting her stepsister who is visiting for the weekend. Instead of labeling her with an angry edge to your voice--"You're just rude and jealous"--accept your child's feelings: "I understand it's difficult to share your dad when your stepsister comes for the weekend, but I can't allow you to be rude." If the rudeness continues, send her to her bedroom for some quiet time.

STATE A RULE Your children's disagreement comes to blows. Instead of screaming an angry threat--"That hitting must stop or we won't go to the movie!"--state a rule: "Hitting is not allowed. Sarah, you need to empty the dishwasher; Cameron, make your bed. We'll discuss the movie selection when your chores are done and you've calmed down."

ASSERT YOUR VALUES Your child is attempting homework in front of the TV. Instead of nagging--"Do your homework," "Do your homework or you won't get good grades," "You'd better do your homework or you won't get into college"--assert your values: "Homework is more important than TV. The TV goes off until homework is done."

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