“Listen To Your Children”
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Discipline does not have to mean angry words. It does not have to mean hurt feelings. It does not have to mean physical punishment.
It does not have to be a struggle, an argument, or a battle that someone wins. Discipline does not have to happen out of anger.
Discipline means teaching children, caring about children, and trying to prevent problems before they happen. It means loving children and helping them grow into responsible adults.
There are many ways to discipline children. One way is to listen to children. Often busy parents fail to listen to and notice their children. When children feel they have something important to say or to show and are repeatedly ignored or tuned out by an insensitive or "too busy" adult, they usually do one of two things: 1. The child may give up and quit trying. The result is a child who does not communicate well. This stifles the growth of mind, personality, and ability, and prevents the development of self-confidence; or
2. The child may misbehave (being noisy, fussy, or whiny) to get the attention he or she cannot get in any other way. This behavior will usually get the attention of the adult, but may cause the adult to punish the child as well.
Neither of these reactions is desirable.
How to Listen to Your Children
When a child approaches with a question or comment, stop what you are doing, if possible. Look at the child and listen attentively. If you cannot take the time to listen and answer the question when it is asked, explain and promise her a time when you can do it.
Some children do use questions to gain the attention of the parents. If the child keeps asking the same question over and over, it is useful, after answering the question correctly at least once, to say, "What did I just say?" As the child gives the answer back to you, correct any wrong notions. Then praise him for listening and learning.
Why Listening to Children Is Important
To a child, an attentive ear is more important than a parent's advice. Listening to our children shows them we're interested in them. Research has shown that a major difference between strong and troubled families is the amount of interest that family members show in each others' lives. The more interest shown, the stronger the family generally is.
You don't need a lot of time to do this. Take just a few minutes a day to ask children about their interests, their activities, their friends, and how they are changing and growing. This can go a long way toward making them feel appreciated and valued. Check in with your children daily or at least several times a week. Good times to do this are while you're preparing and eating meals and at bedtime.
Listening to Understand
Many of the angry words that pass between parent and child can be prevented. You can prevent them by understanding better what your children are trying to say and what they are feeling. To do this, you must listen, and you must talk. Working problems out means asking questions and letting children know how you feel while trying to understand your children's problems.
Listening means more than hearing the words someone speaks. It means thinking about the things you hear. Sometimes you listen best when you try to notice the things that are not said. Young children cannot always say what they mean.
They may not know how to ask for the things they want. They may not know their own feelings well enough to know what is making them angry or sad. But looking at children when they speak can help you understand. Watch your children as they talk. What you see can help tell you how your children feel.
If you do not understand what your child is trying to say, ask a few questions, but ask them carefully. Make sure your children know that you are concerned—not angry. If your voice is harsh or if you speak hurriedly, children may feel you do not care. Make sure you give your children enough time to speak. Do not rush them.
When you let children take their time, you tell them that you respect their feelings. To make sure you have understood, repeat the feelings your children have expressed: "I know that you are angry because we can't visit grandma." "You feel left out when your brothers go to their friend's house, don't you?" Words like these tell your children that you understand.
Explain Your Point of View Calmly
Parents should try to respect their children's feelings. But it is also important that children understand that their parents have a right to their own feelings, too. As a parent, you do not have to like everything that your children do and you may be upset by some of the things they say. Tell your children how you feel about and are affected by what they've done. But try to tell them without anger. Letting children know how you feel helps them begin to understand how their actions affect others.
Working Things Out
After you have talked with your children about a problem, work with them to solve the problem. For instance, give your children a choice and then let them decide. A fussy three-year old can be allowed to choose what he wants to drink: juice or milk. A five-year-old who doesn't pick up her clothes can choose between picking them up or staying in the house for the afternoon. By working with your children, you help them become more responsible and you show respect for their feelings.
Ronald L. PitzerExtension Family Sociologist
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