“Loving Your Child”
Free toddlers activity & Parent Child Development guide parenting article

Four rules for every day by Jan Faull

Some people never felt loved as children, and they worry that they will be unable to express the love they feel for their own kids.

They realize that it's not enough to love their children, they need to learn techniques to demonstrate that love.

If you felt loved as a child, you're fortunate.

Your love just naturally flows from you to your children.

The best way to communicate love to children is by "maintaining contact that is meaningful and genuine," says Harriett Heath, Ph.D., director of The Parent Center at Bryn Mawr College in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. What exactly is meaningful contact?

A Daily Love Checklist

•Tell each child, "I love you."
•Communicate love through gentle touch.
•Keep track of your kids; notice when they come and go.
•Talk up what your children do that's right.
•Notice small steps toward competency.
•Ask your kids their opinion.
•Answer their questions patiently and thoroughly.
•Expect age-appropriate responsibility.
•Provide situations where your child gains confidence.
•Surround your kids with loving relatives and friends.

The Four Rules of Love

1. TIME One effective way to maintain contact with your child is to set aside 15 minutes each day when you shed your parenting role and agenda, letting your child be the boss.

Sit on the floor to play with your toddler or preschooler; play games or help your six- to 12-year-old with a school project or hobby; go with your adolescent to buy a CD.

Just remember, your child is in charge. You either follow your child's directions or copy and describe your child's actions without making suggestions or supervising the activity. During this time your child reveals his true self, feeling loved and accepted by you.

You don't have 15 minutes for each child, you say? Then take less time and remember the importance of focusing on the child with adoring looks, listening and responding to his needs and interests.

2. WORD POWER Be aware of the power of your words. "How you talk to your children can make them your allies rather than your adversary," says Nancy Samalin, author of LOVING YOUR CHILD IS NOT ENOUGH (Penguin). Here's Samalin's example: "Your child comes home from school mad. 'I'm angry. My teacher yelled at me today.' Don't say, 'She must have had good reason.' Instead clarify, 'Your teacher yelled at you? That must have been embarrassing.' Magically, your child feels understood and loved. Your child knows you're on his side. Now, you can get to the heart of the matter."

Realize that by understanding the child's point of view, you're not condoning any action. In fact, since you've conveyed your understanding for the embarrassing situation, you open your child up to receive your advice.

Respond similarly even when there's not a problem. Your child runs in the door: "My team won at recess today." Don't say, "Uh huh," or "Go hang up your coat." Instead respond with a question: "What were you playing?" or "What was the score?" Your question implies, "I heard what you said. I'm interested. I want to know more." This communication skill completes the cycle of the conversation. Interest proves love.

3. EMOTIONS "Be patient with emotions. It's not the end of the world when your child expresses an emotion," says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of THE HEART OF PARENTING: RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD (Simon & Schuster). "By giving each of your child's emotions a name, whether anger, fear, disappointment, sadness or joy, you miraculously help your child regulate the emotion."

Validate the emotion your child expresses, but limit his behavior. Your toddler is determined to climb on the kitchen table and throws a tantrum when you stop him. Your empathetic response: "You're mad, you want to climb on the table, but I won't let you." By naming the emotion and staying with the child when emotional, you help him absorb that out-of-control emotion. By doing so, says Dr. Gottman, "Your child learns to trust he is not alone and that his emotions have validity." There's no more powerful way of expressing love or of creating intimacy between you and your child.

4. LOVE AND LIMITS Realize you can express love and limits at the same time. Stopping your child from misbehaving may cause him distress in the short run, but in the long run setting reasonable guidelines for behavior gives the message that you have the interest and energy to care.

Hold to your "No," but include a love message along with it. Here's how: "I can't allow you to ride your bike to the shopping mall; I feel it's unsafe. It's only because I love you so much." Make sure you're not capricious with "No." Ask yourself first if it's in your child's best interest.

There are probably days when it seems all you do is nag and yell, but understand everyone bounces back easier when there's a solid base of love to rely on. "Having a secure attachment with a parent is like having a secure base that the child can go to when needing love for any reason," says Robert Karen, Ph.D., author of BECOMING ATTACHED: FIRST RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW THEY SHAPE OUR CAPACITY TO LOVE (Oxford). "This attachment to you is really important for the child as he develops the capacity to give and receive love."

Warm, responsive and dependable care helps the child feel secure enough to explore and move away from the parent, to forge new relationships and develop self-reliance. And there's more: The child who feels loved has the potential to be more social and reach his intellectual aptitude with an enthusiasm for problem solving. All the more reason to be more intentional expressing the love you feel.

Rules of Love: Emotions and Limits

EMOTIONS: "Be patient with emotions. It's not the end of the world when your child expresses an emotion," says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of THE HEART OF PARENTING: RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD (Simon & Schuster). "By giving each of your child's emotions a name, whether anger, fear, disappointment, sadness or joy, you miraculously help your child regulate the emotion."

Validate the emotion your child expresses, but limit his behavior. Your toddler is determined to climb on the kitchen table and throws a tantrum when you stop him. Your empathetic response: "You're mad, you want to climb on the table, but I won't let you." By naming the emotion and staying with the child when emotional, you help him absorb that out-of-control emotion. By doing so, says Dr. Gottman, "Your child learns to trust he is not alone and that his emotions have validity." There's no more powerful way of expressing love or of creating intimacy between you and your child.

LOVE AND LIMITS: Realize you can express love and limits at the same time. Stopping your child from misbehaving may cause him distress in the short run, but in the long run setting reasonable guidelines for behavior gives the message that you have the interest and energy to care.

Hold to your "No," but include a love message along with it. Here's how: "I can't allow you to ride your bike to the shopping mall; I feel it's unsafe. It's only because I love you so much." Make sure you're not capricious with "No." Ask yourself first if it's in your child's best interest.

There are probably days when it seems all you do is nag and yell, but understand everyone bounces back easier when there's a solid base of love to rely on. "Having a secure attachment with a parent is like having a secure base that the child can go to when needing love for any reason," says Robert Karen, Ph.D., author of BECOMING ATTACHED: FIRST RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW THEY SHAPE OUR CAPACITY TO LOVE (Oxford). "This attachment to you is really important for the child as he develops the capacity to give and receive love."

Warm, responsive and dependable care helps the child feel secure enough to explore and move away from the parent, to forge new relationships and develop self-reliance. And there's more: The child who feels loved has the potential to be more social and reach his intellectual aptitude with an enthusiasm for problem solving. All the more reason to be more intentional expressing the love you feel.

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